Thursday, September 16, 2004

A little bit of Figwit history.

Ataahua's Anniversary mathom!

Somewhere around this date three years ago, I finally took the plunge and registered on TORN and made my first post, after lurking for about a year. And what what it that finally tipped me from lurker to poster? An OT thread about the best scores in Minesweeper, if you will.

And mine's currently 146 seconds on expert, BTW.

Anyhoo, lacking any creative spurts to write something new for an anniversary mathom, I dug around in my files and found this little gem - a bit knocked around the edges and gleam's got a tad dull, mayhap, but it does mark a special time on TORN's boards: the creation of Figwit!

This was at the time when a couple of radio announcers in Christchurch, NZ, had stumbled onto the Figwit Lives! site, and then proceeded to TORN and started reading out the 'odd' nicknames of the posters here. A mild and humorous outbreak of online hassling began from us, and, well .... this little parody script came to my mind (with the made-up names of James and Chris for the radio announcers).


MoreFM (James): "Well it's just gone 8.10am and we have two very special guests here by telephone. You may remember yesterday we spoke with Bret MacKenzie, a kiwi actor in The Lord of the Rings who was on-screen for all of three seconds and who now has an international following of fans. Well on the telephone now we have the two people who started this fanclub for Brett - Arwenelf and individual!"
inDUH: "That's inDUHvidual, James."
James: "Kinda a stupid name, isn't it?"
Arwenelf: "Yeah, and 'James' is sheer genius."
James: "ANYWAY, where did the name 'figwit' come from?"
inDUH: "Well, I was watching FOTR..."
James: "FOTR?"
inDUH: "Fellowship of the Ring - try to keep up James. So I was watching FOTR and at the scene of the Council of Elrond, Frodo stands up and makes this grand statement - 'I will take the Ring' - and I was thinking how great the scene was when it then flicked over to these Elves looking at Frodo, and one of them was this kiwi actor who is GORGEOUS. And my thoughts at the time were, 'Frodo is grea...WHO IS THAT!!!' F-I-G-W-I-T. Get it? And the name stuck."
Chris: "You know what I heard while you were talking? 'Geek geek geek geek FOTR geek geek geek geek Elrond geek geek geek geek I will take the Ring geek geek geek geek WHO IS THAT geek geek."
Arwenelf: "Say it loud and say it proud: We're geeks."
Chris: "So when did you last get a date? 1990?"
Arwenelf: "So when did you last see daylight, radio boy? How is that pasty white skin of yours?"
James: "So anyway: three seconds on screen is enough for you two to swoon over a guy with pointy ears?"
InDUH: "Not just us - we've managed to drum up a fanbase of hundreds for Figwit. It's a lot of fun and I'll bet that Bret never thought he'd become internationally famous for dressing as an Elf."
Chris: "Internationally famous? Among you and your three friends?"
Arwenelf: "That's funny, coming from a guy whose only friend is a Tickle Me Elmo doll."
Chris: "How'd you know about that????"
Arwenelf: "The Internet is everywhere, baby."
InDUH: "Hey James, we were wondering if you could get us in touch with Bret - we'd love to talk with him."
Chris: "You'd love to touch Bret? You're gonna stalk him now?"
James: "Actually we have a surprise for you: Arwenelf and inDUHvidual, we have Bret MacKenzie on the telephone right now! Say hello to your Figwit!"
(stunned silence)
Brett: "Uh, hello?"
(unintelligible screaming and swooning over the phone)
James: "I think they're happy to hear you, Bret."
Chris: "Or someone's murdering them with a pencil."
(snatches of "omigod omigod omigod" and "weloveyou!!!" and "bouncy bouncy thunk thunk thunk" can be heard amidst the screaming)
Bret: "Okaaay. Wow look at the time - gotta go." (hangs up)
James: "Are you girls still breathing between the screams?"
(Two 'thunks' can distinctly be heard, then absolute silence)
Chris: "Best fun I've had since James got his nose stuck in the microphone."
James: "Bite me, Elmo-boy."

Celebrimbor: "Pretty rings..."
Dwarves: "Pretty rings..."
Men: "Pretty rings..."
Sauron: "Mine's better."

"Ah, how ironic, the addictive qualities of Sauron’s master weapon led to its own destruction. Which just goes to show, kids - if you want two small and noble souls to succeed on a mission of dire importance... send an evil-minded b*****d with them too." - Gandalf's Diaries, final excerpt, by Ufthak.

For those who do not know who Figwit is: check out (I'd recommend the Hate-Mail section if you're looking for more things to tickle your funnybone.)

First posted on TORn main message board by Ataahua some time in the early annals of LOTR movie internet fandom, and reposted for her TORniversary on 16/09/2004


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